The Nurses' Office

[evil_administration]

The Nurses' Office an austere and sterile facility of medical miracles. Suspiciously next to the cafeteria kitchen, it is run by the school nurse, Hello Nurse (her parents were very controlling over her life and had the subtlety of a hurled brick). Hello Nurse will be the cure for all that ails the student body ... and sometimes the cause.

Whether you have just a hang over, or have lost millions of HP, Hello Nurse can cure you ... for a price. She can even bring you back from the dead. Against your will, even. Don't worry, payment plans are available (at "varying" interest rates). If you are dead, don't worry, she will take care of you, and by the terms of use of the Nurses' Office you shall end up assuming responsibility for all costs accrued.

In the event that you cannot pay, she will find a way to recoup the loss, be it through blood donations, organ donations, or mad medical experiments. Try not to fall too far into debt with her; rumor has it that she has an agreement with the cafeteria, and that those who fall too far behind are assigned to sessions of "kitchen duty," and never seen again.

Characters who need the aid of the Nurses' Office must comment below.

Comments

[evil_administration]

Just a moment! [Inside the room somewhere behind a curtain is the sound of screaming, until-WHAM!]

[And then the school nurse comes out from behind the curtain with a bloody frying pan!] Sorry about that, hehe! Now what seems to be the trouble?

[laconism]

[Wow, uh... that's... really unsettling. He can't help but back up a few steps when she comes out.]

I... um, you see... my Pikachu struck this old man with a Thunderbolt and now he's unconscious with a weak pulse. Can you fix him up?

[evil_administration]

Weak pulse you say? No problem there, just leave it to me!

[GETS OUT THE DEFIBRILLATOR]

[wait isn't that sort of how we got into this situation?]

[laconism]

...Um... is that really going to help...?

[evil_administration]

Hey now, I may have bought this hat a costume shop, but I did go to med school.

[ZZZAAAAPPP]

[good_news_everyone]

[a;sdijfs;lakdfja]

HUUWAAAAH!! [SHOOTS UP]

[laconism]

[Startled by the sudden movement, Charizard drops Farnsworth onto the floor. Whoops.

Cue glaring from Red as he walks over to offer his hand to help the man back up.]

[good_news_everyone]

Where am I!? What happened!?

[laconism]

You were knocked out. We're in the nurses' office now.

[evil_administration]

Now, which of you will be paying for this bill?

[laconism]

...

[A bill? Really?

Well, he should take responsibility for his Pikachu's actions, so...]

I will.

[evil_administration]

I'll add it onto your tab. I suggest not looking at it! That'd be bad for your health, hehe!

[laconism]

My tab...?

[He doesn't have the slightest idea what that means.]

[evil_administration]

Ahaha, I like to say 'tab' since it sounds a lot nicer than 'student debt' ...

[laconism]

...Oh.

[Well fuck.

Red returns his Charizard to its ball and looks over at Farnsworth.]

By the way, my Pokémon aren't lab specimens.

[And with that closing statement, he's outta here.]

[good_news_everyone]

Your whuzzawhat now?

[laconism]

[Sorry bro, Red's already gone. You'll have to catch him another time if you want to know so badly.]