The Nurses' Office

[evil_administration]

The Nurses' Office an austere and sterile facility of medical miracles. Suspiciously next to the cafeteria kitchen, it is run by the school nurse, Hello Nurse (her parents were very controlling over her life and had the subtlety of a hurled brick). Hello Nurse will be the cure for all that ails the student body ... and sometimes the cause.

Whether you have just a hang over, or have lost millions of HP, Hello Nurse can cure you ... for a price. She can even bring you back from the dead. Against your will, even. Don't worry, payment plans are available (at "varying" interest rates). If you are dead, don't worry, she will take care of you, and by the terms of use of the Nurses' Office you shall end up assuming responsibility for all costs accrued.

In the event that you cannot pay, she will find a way to recoup the loss, be it through blood donations, organ donations, or mad medical experiments. Try not to fall too far into debt with her; rumor has it that she has an agreement with the cafeteria, and that those who fall too far behind are assigned to sessions of "kitchen duty," and never seen again.

Characters who need the aid of the Nurses' Office must comment below.

Comments

[laconism]

[In comes Red, Pikachu on his shoulder and Charizard walking in behind him with an unconscious old guy in its arms.]

Excuse me, Nurse? I need some help.

[evil_administration]

Just a moment! [Inside the room somewhere behind a curtain is the sound of screaming, until-WHAM!]

[And then the school nurse comes out from behind the curtain with a bloody frying pan!] Sorry about that, hehe! Now what seems to be the trouble?

[laconism]

[Wow, uh... that's... really unsettling. He can't help but back up a few steps when she comes out.]

I... um, you see... my Pikachu struck this old man with a Thunderbolt and now he's unconscious with a weak pulse. Can you fix him up?

[evil_administration]

Weak pulse you say? No problem there, just leave it to me!

[GETS OUT THE DEFIBRILLATOR]

[wait isn't that sort of how we got into this situation?]

[laconism]

...Um... is that really going to help...?

[evil_administration]

Hey now, I may have bought this hat a costume shop, but I did go to med school.

[ZZZAAAAPPP]

[good_news_everyone]

[a;sdijfs;lakdfja]

HUUWAAAAH!! [SHOOTS UP]

[laconism]

[Startled by the sudden movement, Charizard drops Farnsworth onto the floor. Whoops.

Cue glaring from Red as he walks over to offer his hand to help the man back up.]

[good_news_everyone]

Where am I!? What happened!?

[laconism]

You were knocked out. We're in the nurses' office now.

[evil_administration]

Now, which of you will be paying for this bill?

[laconism]

...

[A bill? Really?

Well, he should take responsibility for his Pikachu's actions, so...]

I will.

[evil_administration]

I'll add it onto your tab. I suggest not looking at it! That'd be bad for your health, hehe!

[laconism]

My tab...?

[He doesn't have the slightest idea what that means.]

[evil_administration]

Ahaha, I like to say 'tab' since it sounds a lot nicer than 'student debt' ...

[laconism]

...Oh.

[Well fuck.

Red returns his Charizard to its ball and looks over at Farnsworth.]

By the way, my Pokémon aren't lab specimens.

[And with that closing statement, he's outta here.]

[good_news_everyone]

Your whuzzawhat now?

[laconism]

[Sorry bro, Red's already gone. You'll have to catch him another time if you want to know so badly.]

[notjustinthemirror]

[Have one Demon wandering into the nurses office, one of the zombies from the outbreak on a chain shambling along behind him. The zombie is missing his arms and his lower jaw and is just mindlessly following along.]

Anyone home?

[evil_administration]

[pops out from behind one of the white curtains]

Work, home, what's the difference for me, tee hee? I spend more time here than at home.

Oh my those are some dreadful wounds! Hmmm! [pulls out a ... tool box?]

[notjustinthemirror]

Right then.

I was hoping you'd be able to do something to keep him from losing bits all over the rug. My roommate doesn't like that very much.

[trolled_justice]

[Pamela arrives via classic Mega Man style teleport beam (yes she can do that) with Asagi's body, which...]

[... has a bullet in the head. An Overlord's bullet, apparently as if that'd make much difference over a normal bullet in the head, really-.]

She's...

... can you help her?!

[evil_administration]

[The nurse comes out from behind the curtain, holding a bloody bucket and a ax.]

Oh my, a costumer. You guys have been too safe the last few months. I rarely get any visitors.

[The nurse takes the body and plops it on a bed. She then starts to poke it with her fingers.]

[trolled_justice]

...

...

[the axe and bucket gives her pause]

Can you help her or not?!

[evil_administration]

[The nurse doesn't answer right away, instead she takes out a wooden hammer and hits Asagi in the head a few times.]

Just as I thought. She's dead. Guess the bullet was a critical hit.

[trolled_justice]

W-was it really necessary to use that hammer?!

[evil_administration]

Are you questioning my nursing skills? I was testing to see how smashed her brain was.

[The nurse pulled out a gold feather, and stuffed it into Asagi's mouth]

There. She should revive in 10 minutes. Now, about the bill...

[Some prinnies appear behind Pamela, and poke her]

[trolled_justice]

...

I... I'll take care of the bill.

[evil_administration]

Oh, that won't be necessary. I was going to ask if you could give it to her when she wakes up. My drama's are about to come on.

[The nurse giggles, and disappears behind the curtain. The Prinnies meanwhile hand Pamela a note.]

We are here to serve you dood. One "Thinking with Portals" Felony for one Pamela dood.

[trolled_justice]

...I...

[She... kind of ignores the prinnies, and follows the nurse]

No, I insist!

[evil_administration]

[When Pamela moves the curtain, all she can see is the darkness of death. In an instant, the nurse pushes her back, and closes the curtains. Her cheerful face is gone, replaced with a very scary threatening look, and an powerful aura overwhelms Pamela]

Do not go behind the curtain young miss...

[Then in a moment that face is gone, replaced with her normal smile. The prinnies have gone white with fear, and are just shaking.]

So, you want to pay for her? Why would you want to do that?

[trolled_justice]

[... she tries to pretend she wasn't scared by the aura/threatening look... she probably failed]

Because I...!

It's my fault-

D-does it really matter?

[evil_administration]

Fine, I guess not. As long as I get payed. *giggle*. That phoenix down will cost you 50,000 hell.

[trolled_justice]

... very well.

[She can actually afford that, she is a noble after all, so 50k for the nurse]

[evil_administration]

[The nurse takes the money, and puts it into her bloody, beating wallet.]

Thank you! Hope to see you here again!

[She goes back behind her curtain. The prinnies take out another letter, and poke Pamela again]

[trolled_justice]

...? What?

[Pamela turns to face the prinnies]

[evil_administration]

You just earned another Felony dood. "Delinquent"

[trolled_justice]

...

I suppose that would be appropriate for me, in a hell such as this.

[Without another word, she Mega Man style teleports again]